Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
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{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Storm Tropical Storm
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.