Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
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*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
haha same
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)