Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
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The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign