Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
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Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t