Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.