Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
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When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*