Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.