Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

🙅🏻

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

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Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds