Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

🤷‍♀️

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

You’re the water to my grease fire.

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

happy friday