Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.