Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
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i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.