Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
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I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
How to woo a woman
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*