Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
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No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
grandpa was shocked
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying