Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
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guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
I am, perchance
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.