Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
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Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Twitter remains undefeated
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name