I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
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her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.