Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
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I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Good morning
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*