Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
