Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
