Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
