Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
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Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next