Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
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Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.