Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
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[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar