Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in