Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?

Me: Ye-

Husband: NO MORE BABIES.

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

Maths meets science

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.