Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
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HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
New comic up. “Ransom”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?