Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
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Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
