Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

Sell your car

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.