Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
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Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
