Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please