Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
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Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]