Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
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At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.