Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

hmmm

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

I don’t know if I’m just renewing my driver’s license every year or if I’m aging like a store bought banana.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

Dumple

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…