Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!

*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?