Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

titanic

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

*gets down on one knee*

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.