Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
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ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I just ran a .003048K
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.