Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
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My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.