Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

You’re the water to my grease fire.

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

My fantasy football season is going great

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.