Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Bring back the McRib
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
rise and shine we got egg
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.