Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
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me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.