Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
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Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Genius idea!!
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW