Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
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can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
New tinder profile pic
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I am thick and tired. 🙄
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.