Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
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In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”