Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

I’m not wrong

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”