Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

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I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.


Bartender: This is from the woman at the end of the bar
*hands me her bill


“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark


[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’


You are my sunshine.

In the sense that long term exposure to you is slowly killing me.


Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.


Me: *empties 4’s maracas

4: *shakes maracas* They’re broken

Me: Oh no.. What happend?


Husband: Have you lost weight?

Me: About 10 lbs

H: Who you trying to look good for? *wink

M: You don’t know him. He’s on Twitter…