I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
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I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Bartender: This is from the woman at the end of the bar
*hands me her bill
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
A pun and grammar lesson in one
You are my sunshine.
In the sense that long term exposure to you is slowly killing me.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Me: *empties 4’s maracas
4: *shakes maracas* They’re broken
Me: Oh no.. What happend?
Husband: Have you lost weight?
Me: About 10 lbs
H: Who you trying to look good for? *wink
M: You don’t know him. He’s on Twitter…