Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
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Your honor these allegations are
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”