Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

I’m the neighbor

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!