Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
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Just grow your own
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.