Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
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haha same
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
You sure about that?
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”