Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

True

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes: