Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

So true for me

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

Best seat on the street 😍

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.