Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
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babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind