Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
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Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.