Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
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sure, why not
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
(True)
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Cardio Made Easy
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.