Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.

🔥🔥

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia