Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
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I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.