Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.