Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
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Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
real
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
LMAO.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles