Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

SONOFA

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

Not with that attitude

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

💀

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence