Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
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“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
kids play hide and seek like
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I finally found a reason to live again.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.