Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
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The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
could’ve been anyone
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again