Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
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As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
Worst Native American name ever.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.