Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.