Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
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“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”