Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

watching gymnastics

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

dutch so unserious

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.