Sometimes? I’m slipping
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Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
im all 3
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Made something I’m not proud of
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit