Sometimes? I’m slipping
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One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
At least try to make it slightly believable
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?