Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

our love story in four pictures

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

If you need a laugh.. 😅

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.