Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

beware of dog
(jukin media)

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.