Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what