A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
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Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.