Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
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Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.