Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

Just parrot things

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

I know a bad idea when I see one.

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car