Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

my friends: omg how are you!

me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that