Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
You Might Also Like
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
There’s always that one guy
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.