Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together