Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
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“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE