Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
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The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
“Huge”.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out