I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
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optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
mood
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
meow